


Dysania

by Ingi



Series: I’ll let you know that all this time I’ve been afraid [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Erejean Week, Erejean Week 2015, First date (kinda), French-Speaking Jean Kirstein, Friends to Lovers, Jean's background, M/M, awkward dorks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-30
Updated: 2015-03-30
Packaged: 2018-03-17 02:58:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3512651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ingi/pseuds/Ingi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>~ Dysania: the state of finding it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. ~</p><p>A sleeping-deprived Eren departs from the script one night, and that fucks Jean's head up.<br/>Marco is unhelpful, Armin is annoying, everybody thinks Jean and Eren should totally hook up, and Jean's mother makes an unhappy apparition.</p><p>Also, Eren's lips are suddenly a very interesting thing to muse about. Fuck.</p><p>(#Angry boyfriends are already angry but still working on the boyfriend part; #Marco is still the biggest Erejean shipper)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dysania

**Author's Note:**

> Here I am again, writing something weird and twisting the given plot! This happens to be about two months after its prequel, "Drapetomania", and a month after the graduation when recruits choose where to go (Jean totally chose the Survey Corps, as will be explained widely in another fic).
> 
> I'm pretty excited, since I love writing from Jean's point of view. He just sees Eren like some kind of creature unknown to the human kind before, and it's way too amusing to write.  
> Oh, and I'm having good fun playing with Jean's past. There are some random mentions of people who didn't exist in the canon but that will probably come handy in one or two plots of the Erejean Week.
> 
> Besides, I've discovered I have enough songs from Imagine Dragons to include in the fics that are left in the Erejean week, and they fit just so perfectly I don't even care I don't like the group that much. It was a happy casuality I found all those, so... cheers.  
> This one is "It comes back to you".

_4 A.M. beside myself_ ,  
_and what I think of mental health._

When you were in the Legion, there wasn't a single quiet night.

Wails of pain travelling away from the infirmary to make themselves heard by everybody ( _you'll be like us one day, you'll be, you'll be, you'll die, die, die, die like us, we're dying_ ), half-muffled groans of guilty pleasure that were tactfully ignored until it was impossible to keep pretending you couldn't notice a guy jerking off in the bunk across yours, or loud cries because of colorful nightmares that left the dreamer trembling in their bed and the room filled with a sense of dread.

If you also happened to share cabin with Eren Jäeger, you got an awfully especial share of the latter.

Most times, it wasn't a very annoying thing (for Wall Maria, the boy _really_ got irritating when awake, though). Jean would find his light sleep disturbed by an eardrum -piercing shout, which would sometimes go on and on until Armin got up and shook Eren back into the real world (which probably wasn't much better than the nightmares anyway, but he hadn't lived the shit Eren had, so who knew). Then, Eren either went back to sleep, found himself a spot in Armin's bed and let him talk his fears through, or more commonly, went outside to calm himself a little under the moonlight or whatever he did. Some nights (eight out of ten, but it's not like Jean had been counting), he didn't go back to sleep at all, or if he did it was so late by then even people with the greatest trouble to fall asleep had already managed to do so.

That night was different, though.

Jean was lurched awake by 4 A.M., if the communal alarm clock was anything to go by, and unhappily so. He didn't remember his dreams, if he was having any, and that usually predicted a long peaceful night and an awakening in the land of the mentally clear and refreshed people. That didn't happen often, so he instantly turned his strongest 'asshole mode' on and looked around the cabin to identify the cause of his interrupted sleep. Everybody else was awake too, which was weird, but it was quiet, even if a veil of expectation covered the room in an almost suffocating way. He silently questioned his wide-eyed companions, not daring to break the spell that was holding them all in their place, to get no answers. So he waited.

It wasn't long before a spine-chilling yell broke through, and Jean could feel the hair on his nape bristling. He whipped his head in the direction of the sound, being only half surprised when his eyes met Eren's scrunched form. His erratic breath gave himself away; he'd finally woken up, after taking everybody in the cabin with him, of course. Jean would have been much angrier if he hadn't felt so sorry for him, and somehow that only made things worse. He counted down the seconds before Eren sat up ( _one, two, three, fou-... there_ ), stepped out of the bunk ( _one, tw-... that's it_ ), and walked right out of the room (because that one nightmare had sounded frightening like hell, and he never stayed there when they were that bad). But he didn't. He _didn't_.

Instead, Jean had to watch, petrified, how Eren walked like an automaton right across the room, towards... his bunk. _The hell._ Tension quickly spread by the cabin with such a strenght it could be felt in an almost physical way. 'Don't, buddy, don't', his companions seemed to be imploring through their startled eyes, no doubt anticipating an explotion of rage from Jean's part that would end up involving everybody else and provoking another sleepless night (aside from weeks and more weeks of endless fights, fueled with a passion unknown before, and _that_ was something). Jean himself would have predicted any of those, or well-knowing his temper, even worse reactions, but his mind was in pause and he felt glued to the bed.

He stared at Eren like he was a wild animal, with caution and a hint of fear; even more so when he stopped right in front of his bunk, as if leaving no room for equivocation on his intentions on purpose, and green eyes locked with his. Jean wasn't a master in mind-reading (more often than not, he still doubted Eren's mind had anything worth seeing anyway), and yet he could tell the Titan shifter was feeling defeated and hopeless. Completely exhausted, also, and people like that didn't make good fighting material.

At least that was his excuse to turn his back on him and mumble "Keep tossing in your sleep and you're done for, moron".

Incredulity was so obviously hanging in the air he could positively taste it. It would have been amusing, if it wasn't for the fact that he was part of the 'joke' in itself and that he was very, very tired. The mattress sunk rather dramatically when Eren got into the bed, in a quite slow manner that suggested he hadn't been expecting the answer he'd been given and he didn't know very well what to do with himself. Or maybe he was just incredibly worried Jean would kill him in his sleep. It wasn't a vain concern, if he mused it over.  
Except for it kinda was. Damn it, he was turning soft.

Jean didn't make any sudden movements while he waited patiently for him to settle (exactly like he'd do with a wild animal, indeed), and whispered a barely uttered "G'night" when he considered he could get away with it without many people hearing (so he could play it off in the morning as something that never happened, if it was necessary). There; work done, uncomfortable situation dodged (mildly) sucessfully. He'd have never thought he could fall asleep in such conditions, but the truth was he was already dozing off when Eren started scooting closer.

It wasn't much, but it was impossible not to notice in a small bed like the one they were sharing. Jean considered moving away in a falsely casual motion, before discarding it for its troublesome complexity and high rate of failure. This being so, Eren continued shifting closer until his chest was entirely pressed against Jean's back, and not content with that, he rested his head between Jean's shoulder blades, letting out a barely audible sigh. _Fuck_. (' _What now, brain?_ ') The problem was, Jean's brain was very much pleased basking in the comfort that gave the other boy's body, which radiated warmth in waves, and didn't bother thinking a way to get out of the situation, so he would just have to resign himself.

He didn't realise he'd been taut as a bow until the solving of his dilemma made his entire body loosen up, and even if he felt Eren relaxing too in response, he didn't try to do anything else like throwing his arms around his waist or something (thank fortune for small favours, he wouldn't have survived _that_ ), so it was fine. In a really twisted way, but it was. And hey, Jean slept like a log the whole night (or what was left of it), so who was he to complain?

* * *

_All the things that worry me,_  
_all the things you don’t believe._  
_I’ve been told just what to do,_  
_where to look and point my view._  
_All the things that I could be_  
_I think I learned in therapy._  
_Am I just a shadow you drew?_

One of the reasons why Jean wasn't kind more usual was that, well, when you weren't kind in a regular basis and you randomly were once, people began wondering why. And even worse, they began _asking_ why. Jean wasn't used to explain his behavior or the reasons behind it to anyone, and wasn't about to start now. He understood he had been kinda calling for it, not being a big dick to Eren last night and all that, but hell, people really should learn how to mind their own business.

Another reason why Jean wasn't kind more usual was that he didn't quite seem to get the hang of it. The whole 'being nice' thing was a Marco thing, and if he happened to get it right, he quickly forgot again before he could have the chance to use his newfound ability in another occasion. It was just not in his nature, he was born a jerk and would die a jerk (and a young one; he should have just joined the Military Police a month ago, darn it).

So in sum, it was totally justified if he snapped at Armin the next morning, when he approached him with a question shinning in his face in such a transparent way it was almost endearing. Key word being 'almost'.

" _Don't_. Don't. Fucking. Ask."

The brightness in him decreased a bit, but Jean recognized the look and sighed: he was a man on a mission. There was no getting out of that.

"Jean, you must understand I am puzzled by your behavior" was the nearest thing to an apologize Armin uttered. Not bad, he was being a whole lot more considerate with him than he usually was with other people.

"And you must understand I'm downright indifferent to your puzzlement." Hell, weren't they an awesome pair of highly civilized beings?

"I just need to know why, Jean!"

"No, you don't. I'd have to know it first for that" he pointed out, hoping it would be the end of the conversation. Not only it wasn't, but it also seemed to inflame Armin more; he was positively ectatic.

"Oh, so you don't know either!" he breathed out, clapping his hands together. Jean could practically see the gears in his head turning, and he didn't like it one bit.

"Stop analyzing people, it's rude" he spit, turning his back to him and starting to walk away. He was pretty sure he had like a thousand places he prefered to be in that very moment, and Wall Rose be damned if one of them wasn't the dining hall (concretely, next to the stand with those biscuits they made sometimes, before Sasha had time to carry everything off).

"You do it too!" Armin reminded him. "Analyze people, I mean."

Jean smirked just barely before calling back "Yeah, but at least I pretend better!", and from then on, everything went smoothly... for about two seconds, that was the time Marco gave him before appearing out of nowhere (alright, probably the cabin). He must have noticed Jean had left earlier than usual to avoid getting trapped in an alluvium of deadly-shot questions, but apparently he had chosen to ignore the warning implied.

"Ah, Jean! What a stir you've left behind."

"Lemme guess, people are making up crazy theories on why I didn't kick Eren's ass."

"Nah, they're way too busy convincing themselves they hadn't dreamt it all" Marco shrugged, chuckling, and Jean laughed too before remembering he was supposed to be annoyed by it. "So..."

"So?" he asked cautiously, raising a brow and already knowing what would go after. ( _Don't let it be that. Don't, Marco, don't. C'mon, man, you know me, don't pull that shit on me this early in the morning._ )

"What happened? I mean, in less than two months you've gone from not wanting Eren in a twenty-kilometres radio to letting him into your bed."

"That was the most ill-stated sentence I've ever heard" Jean was prompt to declare, even as he blushed. "Goddamit, Marco, you make it sound like some kind of friends-with-benefits agreement."

"But you got my point, didn't you? Before, there wasn't even a 'friends' part."

"Know what? Fuck you" he proclaimed without rage, but making that stern expression that said 'don't mess with me' by itself, and walked past him without as much as a warning.

"Jean, c'mon!" He could heard Marco's deep sigh, and then, a hand clasping his arm from behind. "I'm sorry, alright? I'll just... not mention it until you mention it."

"That's like _never_. Never ever, Marco" he replied in half-pretended seriousness, finally turning towards him, but he knew his friend could feel the smile in his tone. "Will you be able to hold your curiosity back for that long?"

However, the answer he got was a disconcerting and rather laconic "We'll see...". The world was totally going wild. Or maybe it was all a plot to make him completely crazy, since when they reached the dining hall he found himself looking around in search of Eren _again_ (it had been happening more and more lately, and it was _maddening_ , like a bad habit you can't get rid off no matter what you do). Also, the little group that conformed Eren's best friends had somehow decided it was a bad day for isolation, and there they were, sitting with everybody else in a communal table. Just his luck.

Almost everybody granted them a gaze when they took a seat (and Jean was sure the ones who didn't hadn't had time to hear the rumors yet, but they would soon, oh they would indeed). Eren also stared at him (only him, he noticed with an amount of pride that made him want to bang his head against a wall), but the tips of his ears were a bit red and he looked down again instead of holding his gaze in the unnerving way he usually did, so Jean assumed Armin had been bothering him too with... well, the _thing_. And yet, he was the only one who didn't ask him anything or even tried to talk about it, and he should be the  main interested person. Jean found he suddenly liked him a little _too much_ , even if just because of that.

"Kirstein" someone called him when he was still halfway his breakfast. Generally, there were only two people who could say his surname with such a condescension, and one of them was sitting in front of him and trying to pretend he didn't exist. The other one was Captain Levi.

"Yes, Captain?" he asked, turning to the frowning man next to the table with his best winning smile.

"Erwin apparently thinks I'm the fucking mailman" Levi started, glaring daggers to the Commander; he was sitting with Mike and Hanji by the other side of the room, so he shouldn't have been able to notice, but he stopped in the middle of his conversation to smile at the Captain, who simply scoffed and threw a packet at Jean's face. "There. Handle your mail by yourself next time, brat, or I'm fucking throwing it into the fire. Also" he added, thoughtfully, after a moment, "don't tell Erwin I've said this. But remember I did. Got it?"

Jean expanded his smile until it almost hurt and nodded briefly, his thoughts already on the letter he was holding. He payed no mind to the retreating Captain and his mumbled complaints, too busy trying not to panic or start yelling in the middle of a serene tuesday breakfast. Letter were _never_ good. He didn't know many people with the ability to write who felt close enough to him to send him a letter; in fact, he'd swear he could only name his two best friends from the old times (well, his best friend and that fucking  douchebag) and his mother. The packet was carefully closed and neat, so he was out of luck; it couldn't be Charlotte's (she wouldn't be tidy to save her life). The two remaining possibilities didn't make him happy at all. In fact, he considered letting Levi handle it somehow (throwing it to the fire sounded like a good idea, actually), but in the end it was Marco who helped him to decide.

"You're alright? Is it from...?" he made a waving gesture with his hands Jean understood instantly.

He shrugged, suddenly feeling ridiculous (who got so worked up over a damn letter?), and left the packet on the table to continue eating, with the inner resolve he would read it later. "Yeah. I guess. I don't really know, but probably. Can you... read it to me, after the training?"

"I'm sorry, Jean, but I'm in the Captain's chore list for tonight. I'll be scrubbing toilets 'til my hands fall off." The look his friend was giving him was apologetical, even if Jean was the one who had forgotten what Marco had been complaining about for the past month. ( _Hell, I'm a shitty friend._ )

"Oh, I... it's fine, I'll just... geez, leave it for another day or whatever." Although he would very much prefer leaving it to rot under his bunk.

Marco tilted his head, his everpresent smile widening by the second, and for once it had a mischievous quality to it. As difficult to believe as it was, he was actually a mean person when given the chance; Jean had learnt it the hard way, and still trembled in fear at those expressions that he knew very well by then and that never predicted anything good. "There's no need to. You are in equipment maintenance duty with Eren today, aren't you? Why don't ask him?"

The stare Jean gave him was a perfect replica of one of his most famous glare, the one he usually reserved for a new recruit who managed to get tangled upside down from some tree branches by his gear or for anyone who asked why he wasn't friends with Eren (although he was giving a hell lot less of those last ones lately, and for different reasons). It was his 'no bullshit' glare, highly-charged with concentrated dosis of 'you fucking kidding me' and a taste of 'how are you even a functional human being'. "Marco" he said softly, which was something to turn on all alarms by itself. "Marco, if you're being serious, I'm afraid you need therapy. And if you're messing with me, it's the best fucking joke I've ever heard, but I'm not amused by it at all, so please stop."

"I can't think of any reasons why I shouldn't be serious about this" he replied, umperturbable, even if he knew (he had to know) what was coming.

"Hell, how not? There's an infinite number of damn reasons why you telling me to go to Eren with a fucking letter from my mother can't be anything else but a joke. I could tell you dozens right at this moment. If you gave me a day, I'd come up with at least a hundred more..."

" _Jean_. I'm not telling you to trust him, I'm just suggesting you to at least give him the opportunity."

Jean avoided Marco's eyes and scanned the crowd leaving the hall in search of Eren. It would've been impossible not to notice the newly empty seats all around him, and he wanted to know what the boy was up to, it wasn't that of a big deal; keep your friends close and your enemies closer, and if someone happens to be both... well, don't lose sight of him. Something bumped his shoulder and he bolted in his seat, startled; an overly cheerful face grinned at him, making his heart beat obnoxiously fast (because of the fright, goddammit).

"Later, dimwit" Eren called, winking at him, and Jean almost choked on his water.

"Later, pinhead" he managed to call back, his smile one of complicity even without him really meaning it to be that way.

His eyes trailed Eren until he walked out of the room, and then longed a little bit more just in case they got a sight of him again. When he teared his gaze away, he tripped over Marco's barely repressed smirk. "What?" he blurted, frowning. "Don't you ever shut up?"

"I haven't said anything _yet_. And a good friend always tells the other even things he doesn't want to hear."

"Well, be a bad friend then. A horrid one, please" he begged, but at Marco's dissatisfied sound, he gave up. "Alright, what is it?"

"You react different to him" was the response, and not a satisfying one. "I'm not really sure of what happened, probably maturity finally getting through your thick heads, but you look at him in a softer way. No, that's not it" he corrected himself before Jean had the chance to. "You look at him... like you care." Heck, that was even worse. "Just try, Jean. You know he's probably the best choice after myself. You can always distract him with one of your silly fights if he tries to pry."

Jean couldn't figure out what it was (maybe Marco's last argument, which was pretty convincing since Eren did lose focus easily), but later that day, in the equipment room, he turned towards Eren with a gear still half-dedusted in his hands and broke the slightly uncomfortable silence calling his name (no insult, no surname, just because he'd observed the other boy wasn't used to that treatment from him and still stumbled over his words for a while if he caught him out of guard). Eren, halfway through sweeping the corners, stopped in his tracks and started blinking rapidly, muttering something that could be translated as "Yeah?" (and there it was, the stumble, wasn't it endearing?)

"Do you know how to read?"

Eren lighted up like some fireworks, clutching the broom between his hands with such a force Jean was surprised it hadn't broke. "Of course I know, shithead, my mom taught me, or do you think I'm some kind of bumpkin who..."

" _Jäeger_ , I was just asking, geez" Jean sighed ( _I already knew this was a bad idea; fuck you, Marco_ ) and put a hand into his pocket to take out the carefully folded letter, handing it to him with obvious distrust. "Here, could you read it to me?" At Eren's astonished gaze, he clenched his teeth and kept his arm stretched out to him "I can't read well from short distances and the recruit I normally ask to lend me his glasses is... dunno where he is."

Slightly trembling fingers reached for the letter and took it out of Jean's hand, but Eren wouldn't be Eren if he didn't have something extra to say "How can you be in the Legion if you can't see?"

"I'm not blind, Eren, and you have to be not to spot a fucking Titan, even from faraway. This doesn't affect my aim or anything, I just have a lot of difficulties when looking at small handwriting from up close, and there's a limit on how much I can extend my arm, y'know" he added in a cocky way, expecting Eren to laugh and ease the sudden tension. He did, before opening the letter and starting to read.

_Jean:_

_I wished I could be able to send you a letter without having to reprimand you, even if just once. I was going to inform you the Council has approved the law I purposed through Madeline in the last session, and fill you in about your friends (I met Sylvain a few days ago and he asked me to tell you he misses you; the poor boy still looked miserable, so you'll better write him). However, I'm obliged to discuss other important matters with you, since it has recently reached my ears you've joined the Survey Corps._

Eren breathed in sharply and stopped, and that was how Jean knew things were getting grievous. He had been almost enjoying the narrative so far, even while he cringed at Eren's terrible pronunciation of Sylvain's name (and at the name itself, why bother lying to himself), but of course his mother couldn't ever let him have fun, not even while being at kilometres away.

"Continue" he asked Eren, voice steady, but resumed his dedusting work to have something else to concentrate in. The other boy obeyed hesitantly.

_I've never been more ashamed in my life than in the moment the baker congratulated me for my son joining the most ridiculous branch of the Legion, when said son hadn't even bothered to inform me about his decision. The whole city knew you were throwing your life out the window while I was still thinking you were going to have a mildly prestigious position in the Military Police (and that doesn't mean I ever approved of that, as you know well, but it was still better than this new stupidity of yours)._

_I wonder what has happened to make you go suicidal in such a short amount of time. It would be preposterous to presume it was my lack of letters what discouraged you so, since I am not naive enough to believe you'd be affected by something like that when half of the time you forget to answer my letters either way._

_I had already assumed you would never amount to anything, but this is too much to handle. I figured I would get a say on the matter if you changed your decision about joining the Military Police, and not only I didn't, but you tripped over yourself to choose the branch you knew my opinion was more deprecating about. I am extremely disappointed, Jean, and very ashamed too. I'll pull all the strings I can to make sure the Council shuts the Survey Corps down once and for all, like they have been threatening to do for years, so the next time I see my son he isn't mixed up with bloody pieces of other recruits in a communal pit._

_ Don't dare not to answer this letter, Jean, for I cannot lose my precious time going to the Legion quarters to look for you, but believe me when I say I'll do it if it's necessary for you to explain me what is going on in your mind, if anything at all. And don't forget to write to Sylvain! Madeline is really worried about him, and as you know, I need her to be fully concentrated in our project. _

_ Jacqueline Moreau.  
_

Eren's eyes were still glued to the piece of paper, probably scanning it for a hidden message or the tender goodbye letters were supposed to have, but he only did so because it was the first time he'd ever seen a glimpse of Jean's mother. Marco never did it anymore, although he couldn't quite wipe a gloom look out of his face for a while after he finished reading.  


"This is..." Eren abruptly started in a wavering way that gave away how enraged he actually was (probably because of the mean comments about the Survey Corps his mother never doubted to add in any conversation). "Is she... your mother?"

"Yeah" Jean shrugged nonchalantly and all but ripped the letter out of his hands, tearing it into little pieces. He looked around in search of somewhere to toss them away, but regarding the almost-clean state of the floor, settled for storing them in his pocket. Eren seemed to be completely speechless for once, so he decided to give him a push and end it as soon as possible "She's not _that_ bad. Not as bad as she sounds, anyway. Would've been better if she had inherited the personality of my grandma, but there's nothing I can do about it, I guess. I mean, at least I had a happy family and all that... for a while. A happy childhood or whatever, then."

"She..." The boy was still gasping like a fish, and it would've been hilarious in any other situation, but his mother's letters always left him much crankier than usual, so he really wasn't in the mood. He tapped a foot on the floor impatiently, until Eren finally sputtered, astonished "She's not that bad? She literally said you'd never amount to anything!"

"Well, it's not like I've gotten terribly depressed by it, is it now? I'm not a little kid, Eren, it doesn't hurt that much when your mummy says how disappointed she is you broke her porcelain vase" Jean snapped, letting the gear fall on the floor with a clatter.

"It doesn't matter!" Eren cried out, taking a few steps forward to invade Jean's personal space (one of his favourite hobbies, it seemed). "It doesn't matter you don't care, it's still a horrible thing to say!"

"So why the hell did you get into my bed last night, Jäeger?!"

"Why does that even have to do with anything?!"

"It doesn't, I just want you to stop talking about my mother!"

Eren unexpectedly shut up at that, eyes wide and as ridiculously green as always (with specks of blue twirling around his iris, Jean could tell from this close, and was irrationally mesmerized by the fact). Electricity bounded them and dragged them even closer, sparks tugging at Jean's heart in a rather painful way that had nothing to do with his mother's words for once (because yes, he did care about what she said, just a little bit).

"I knew you wouldn't make any questions" Eren said quietly, warm breath ghosting over Jean's lip in a ticklish caress, and luckily for him (he was completely lost for a moment), explained himself. "I didn't want to be alone, but going to Mikasa or Armin is... hard. Mikasa tries her best, but comfort isn't her thing; she just isn't affectionate like that. And Armin... he can't help treating people like puzzles most of the time, and sometimes... sometimes it's too much; even if he only wants to talk things through, sometimes I don't feel like it, I don't feel like I can manage."

There were many things about Eren that Jean couldn't ever hope to make out, but that was one he could comprehend. The feeling of wanting help but not knowing which kind or who to ask for it, the need of silent comfort _ (sometimes he just wants someone to be there without saying anything at all, isn't it?_ ). And then it dawned him. He _understood_ Eren, because Eren and him were the same, somehow, in some ways. And that was scary as hell.

"Aren't you going to ask me why I let you stay?" Jean whispered breathlessly, trapped in the deep force that Eren's eyes held, unable to look away even if he felt like he was suffocating, even if that weight in his chest would kill him ( _I'll die like this, I would, I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm..._ ).  


"Do you even know it yourself?" Eren asked with amusement and curiosity laced in equal parts in his words, and yet soft and even underneath the power that was making Jean's skin tingle.

Slowly, cautiously (and oh Wall Rose and Maria, of course without tearing his gaze away from his eyes), Jean disentangled Eren's hands from the broomstick, stroking his sore palms with his thumbs and ignoring completely how the broom fell on the floor, laying beside the abandoned gear. Eren tensed up, then relaxed again, and then... brought a hand to his neck, forcefully pulling his head closer, and crashed their lips together.

It was rough and even a bit painful, full of teeth and no much more, but it was Eren's and just that was enough to make something in Jean burst into flames, which climbed higher and higher into the sky as he released his other hand to be able to tangle his own in Eren's dark hair, as he struggled to readjust their position so they could actually kiss and not only bruise each other's lips. Eren clutched at his shirt with one hand while digging the fingers of the other in his neck, and one of Jean's arms somehow wrapped around his waist. That was the very moment in which the real kissing started, and it was _glorious_. Eren's lips were just too warm and tempting, pliant under his like his owner never was, and Eren kissed the same way he fought, putting passion in every move (and goddammit, Jean would've never thought there was such a small step from punching to kissing, but there they were, and _hell_ why hadn't they begun sooner?).  


His anger towards that idiot didn't melt away, though, so he chose to release it bitting on his lower lip, and that happened to be a really bad move, because Eren made that little sound like a dying animal and it should've been laughable but it was not, not at all, it was more like _hot_ and Jean was so not-ready for that. His eyes shot open (Charlotte's mocking voice sing-songing ' _kissing with your eyes open is rude_ ' in his mind), longing in Eren's stupidly attractive features for a second too long, since he must have felt his gaze and opened his eyes too. Their eyes met, frozing them in their place, and Jean was completely sure they were both thinking the same thing.

"Ew" they mumbled in unison against the other's mouth, taking a step back.

Eren licked his lips, probably unconsciously ( _it'll better be unconsciously_ ), and rubbed his neck sheepishly. Jean caught himself touching his own lips, as if trying to retain the ghost of Eren's there (and maybe he were, dammit), and quickly turned it into an exagerated gesture of wiping his mouth. "I still kinda hate you" he observed, partly to make sure it still sounded as meaningful as always. It didn't. He hated himself fiercely when he noticed he'd reminded of a whimpering kid who were too stubborn to confess he'd liked the new dish his mother had made him try.

"Yeah" Eren replied, scowling, although it was in a quite questioning way.

"Not really" Jean admited after a while. "I still want to punch you more times than not, though."

"Good" Eren breathed out in relief, and Jean smiled. "Me too. But sometimes I'd rather kiss you... kiss... kiss that smug smile out of your face!"

"You aren't making it any better, y'know?" 'That smug smile' only widdened at the obvious discomfort of the Titan shifter. It was really not his fault; he'd learnt at an early age that the best way to cope with embarrassment and confusion was to embarrass and confuse someone else even further.

"Shit, I know. Still not kidding."

A problem Eren had (well, a problem from Jean's point of view) was that he always kept his soul wide open, sporting the candor of a child. He wasn't afraid of being how he was or saying what he thought (in a different and no doubt better way than Jean, though), he wasn't afraid of being laughed at, and probably couldn't even begin conceiving the concept of betrayal; whatever he said or did, he put all his heart in it, refusing to hold any piece back even to prevent it from breaking. So when he spoke, answering to Jean's clumsy manner of lightening the ambient, he did so not only with his usual ardor, but also with such a disarming genuineness shinning in his eyes that made Jean want to crawl into a hole and die.

"Uh" he let out, running a hand through his hair in barely concealed bewilderment. "So this is... something."

He had a crudely long historial of fuck-ups, but somehow it seemed he'd said the right thing for once, since Eren beamed like someone had just told him the Titans had been completely eradicated. "I think it is" he replied happily, and _fuck_ , Jean was so pathetically grateful he hadn't messed it up, if only to be able to watch Eren's gaiety (it was _unbelievable_ , there wasn't even a sign of the usual angry crease between his brows, and wow, Jean felt utterly blessed he'd lived enough to see that historic moment). If he hadn't been tongue-tied, he might have put that into words (alright, maybe not), but things being as they were, he contented himself with a bashful cough as an agreement and went back to work (luckily, the gear wasn't broken; Captain Levi would've never let him hear the end of it).

It was late night when they finished, their hands had irrationally managed to brush against each other a few times, and Jean was starting to curse the entire line of Marco's dead and alive family for tricking him into stepping forward to get something he hadn't known he wanted. When it came to Jean's feelings, it was never black or white, there was an infinite number of shades that he prided himself upon; when it came to Jean's feelings if _Eren_ was involved, it all turned into violent want or  irremediable repulse, sometimes even both at the same time (being alone with Eren for hours, barely touching him and refraining from remembering there was a possibility to do so, did that to a person). His mental health was on the line, he knew it.

But he didn't care, not at all. Not when they were about to get out of the equipment room and Eren wrapped his fingers around his wrist, retaining him there in a silent question, until Jean leant in and met his lips halfway. Not when they both stopped in front of the cabin at the same time, hesitating, as if worried whatever they had would turn into dust while they crossed the door, and confirmed the other was there and willing with a slight touch on the arm or the back. Not when Jean was laying on his bunk and was kissed goodnight by Eren's curious gaze, lingering on him a second before he fell asleep.

Next morning, he dragged himself to the training grounds, took what was left of his mother's letter out of his pocket, and scattered the little pieces into the wind.

* * *

_It comes back to you, it comes back to you._  
_All the things that you had lost will find their way to you._  
_It comes back to you, it comes back to you._  
_Looking back into the past and I can see it through._

Nothing in Jean's life was ever that simple, and being unlucky was a hard to break habit.

Life conceded him a week before, in the middle of the training, Sasha screamed "It's snowing!" and proceeded to force Connie to indulging her into a unbridled dance under the confetti that was showering her. How the hell the pieces of Jacqueline Moreau's letter had managed to fly around the quarters until taking the chance to get back to the place where they had been released, he didn't have the slightest idea. But he did know it was a signal for him.

Mikasa looked up the sky with her disturbingly uninterested gaze, Armin tried to explain to a very confused Reiner why it was virtually impossible for that to be snow, Bertolt shared a shy smile with Marco as they watched Sasha's enthusiasm, and the rest of the squad just messed around while Levi shouted his head off trying to make them behave properly (most of the recruits learned a few new insults per month thanks to him). Jean observed them from the remoteness for a while, lost in his not-so-happy ponderings, until a muffled part of his mind commented Eren was out of sight, so he turned around in search of him and found him closer than he'd have thought, arms crossed and staring at him in an almost scolding manner.

"I think I'll have to go see my mother in the first free days we're given" he couldn't help blurting out, and made a mental note to identify similiarities between Eren's and Marco's faces, because nowadays he only ever gave his deepest thoughts away like that to him and it was alarming how he'd just done the same with Eren (surely he had confused him with Marco, indeed; he was wearing the boy's characteristic 'I can hear you overthinking and I don't like it' look, after all).

"So that's why you were putting such an ass face." Definitely not Marco. "Don't go if you think she's going to pull any more shit on you." Although that had a certain taste of him. Good enough.

"Jäeger, the only intention behind her fucking order is to pull a _damn load_ of shit on me" he emphasized sourly, and distracted himself by yelling at Connie. "Tell your idiotic girlfriend to stop trying to burn my eyes with her  writhing!"

"He's not my boyfriend, you jerk!" Sasha cried out, almost choking on a piece of paper that fell in her open mouth. "Less watching me like a creep and more paying attention to _your_ boyfriend!"

"Fuck off!" Jean replied, deliberately avoiding to confirm or deny the accusation. It probably wasn't about Eren anyway, it wouldn't have been the first time he thought people were talking about his relationship with Eren while they were actually joking about the one he had with Marco (besides, what was the deal with Eren anyway? not that he cared, but hell, he felt safer labelling things by their name).

"Screw you all, fucking brats!" Levi howled, slapping a recruit's neck with one hand and dragging Connie by the collar with the other. "You think I'm your fucking mom?"

"Thanks for the image, Captain" Reiner mumbled really quietly, shivering.

"You think I'm here to teach you fucking self-preservation? Flash news, recruits, I'm fucking not! Do you wanna die by my hands or by a Titan's, eh?!" It sounded like a shitty threat, but once you thought about it, dying in battle was more prestigious and less scary. The recruits calmed down a bit, and Eren broke their unspoken rule of 'no touching in public unless it's violent' by gripping his arm (in a rather rough way, so actually it was kinda complying with it). "Hah, what I thought! Well, fucking stop behaving like kids, then!"

Jean snorted, but did his best to feign he was working and angrily whispered "Dammit, Eren, loosen it, I can't feel my arm." There was no answer, so he turned his head just barely, frowning when he met Eren's eager gaze. He was so obviously going to say something annoying that it wasn't even funny. "What is it now, moron?"

"I want to go with you" Eren said, in a weird serious tone. "When you go to see your mother."

It took a moment for the meaning of the words to sink in, and by then Jean had confirmed Eren had gone completely insane. "Are you fucking mental?" he snapped in a way too loud voice, so he started adjusting the straps of Eren's gear to his body to dissimulate (although that was something he'd have never done in a normal day, so it was probably more like a method to attract attention; oh well). "Goddammit, Jäeger, if you don't even know how to put on your gear, how in Wall Maria do you expect to be able to fly with it?"

Only after he said it he realised it could've been interpreted like a metaphor, a concealed advice to Eren for the situation, but luckily for him, Eren wasn't a person to notice such subtleties (he doubted he even knew the term 'metaphor' in itself). Besides, Eren _was_ clumsy fixing the straps of his gear.

 "Just hear me out for a second, jackass" he insisted, digging his fingers deeper in Jean's arm. ( _The guy is never discouraged, is he? Fuck. He's damn lucky I like challenges._ ) "Were you going to go alone anyway?"

"Of course." Not really. He might have asked Marco... or might have not. He didn't like involving other people in his issues, especially the ones he cared about; he was aware of how much shit each one of them had been forced to stand, and his own problems were just a childish concern compared to the ones his friend had had, but still (or maybe just because of that) he didn't feel like putting any more pressure on them.

"Don't lie to me, Kirstein!"

"Geez, Eren, chill. I don't wanna involve you, alright? Besides, you're like the fucking Survey Corps in the flesh, what do you think my mother would do if I went accompanied by the living representation of what she hates the most?" Jean hissed between clenched teeth, fastening a strap harder than intended in his annoyance, and quickly loosening again when Eren made a choking sound. "She'd be so pissed I can't even tell. She'd maybe even try to punch you, she..." he cleared his throat and frowned briefly, before the slightest of the smiles started forming in his lips. "Oh, alright, you're coming." Eren rewarded him with that beaming smile of his, making Jean doubt his own mental health once again.

That was, until Levi yelled from the other corner of the training grounds "Kirstein, Jäeger, stop flirting and fucking follow the exercise!", and both turned beet red and jumped back to draw away from each other.

* * *

_Mocking birds and diamond rings,_  
_oh I have thought of greater things._  
_All the things that fly by me,_  
_all the lives that I could lead._  
_Maybe I was born for that,_  
_or maybe I was first to last._  
_You could call it cowardliness,_  
_but leave me to my studied bliss._  
_Am I just a shadow you drew?_

Rumors began spreading like wild fire. Apparently, they hadn't been as subtle as they'd thought, and now everybody was wondering about the sudden closeness of Jean Kirstein and Eren Jäeger, who not long ago couldn't even stand being in the same room together. Nobody dared to comment in front of them, but their friends made sure to answer everything for them, and that meant a lot of crazy assumptions and almost always a proud variation of 'I've always known' (even if they still regarded them cautiously, wise enough not to interfere yet; probably they weren't really sure Eren and him weren't pulling a prank on them or something).

They were lucky, though, because they were given a free day that very week, and since freshmen were busy whispering by the corridors how it would be the last free day before their squads got into battle for first time (and also last, for some of them), the speculation about their relationship didn't go as far as it should've. The bad part was Jean would have to visit his mother, and with _Eren fucking Jäeger_ no less. He was _so_ dead.

First, he had to go through the unbearable shame of standing in front of Armin and Mikasa and pretending he was all cool, while Eren explained them he couldn't accompain them to wander around town because he was going with _him_. The look Mikasa gave him would've been enough to kill a Titan all by itself, and Armin's gaping mouth wasn't much better. Then Marco, Sasha and Connie came into scene too, asking why Jean hadn't joined them in the gates yet to spend their free day together, and that time he was the one who had to explain. But it got even worse, because Reiner and Bertolt, intrigued by the large group reunited around Jean and Eren, approached them and asked for an explanation.

And as if to confirm it definitely wasn't Jean lucky day, after understanding what all the fuss was about, Reiner pointed out candidly, no doubt with the best intention "Ah, so going in a date!", and Jean glared at him so intensely that Reiner literally backed away with a startled expression. Jean had to drag Eren out the gates before he either died of shame or killed someone.

Eren, who seemed to be perfectly funcional and not bothered at all (even if his ears were raging red), smirked at him in a really irksome manner. The fucker also had the guts to look gorgeous, an otherworldly element that stand out in Trost District like a diamond among stones. Jean was dumbly pleased by the idea of storing memories of Eren in his hometown, coloring his childhood ones with an even brighter varnish because hell, Trost should've been _that_ beautiful at that time too or else it would mean it was Eren the one who made everything look awesome.

"So apparently this is a date" Eren observed, blinking rapidly, and Jean hid his face behind his hands.

"Fuck, you're so embarrassing."

"Well, it does look a bit like a date" he continued casually, an odd shade in his voice which Jean couldn't recognize quite well, and that made him let his hands fall to his sides again to be able to glance at him questioningly. "I mean, I _am_ going to meet your parents."

"My mother" Jean thoughtlessly corrected, shrugging. "My father doesn't live there anymore and he's probably busy anyway."

"Your mother, then" Eren insisted, bitting his nails raw, so Jean slapped his hands away from his mouth before mumbling, quite sourly, something among the lines of 'yeah, and she's gonna eat you for supper'. "Still looks like a date to me."

And then, Jean's mind was illuminated from side to side while he grasped an idea, a thought too foolish to be true, and yet... "Wait, _you_ want it to be a date?" he asked, dumbstruck, and got the answer he needed in Eren's sudden nervous fidgeting. He didn't allow him time to think of a way to get away with one of those crappy lies of him, though, and avoided his eyes instead (the shame was still too great) before carefully taking one of his hands on his. Eren hesitated just for a second, and tentatively intertwined their fingers. ( _Fuck, fuck, fuck, I'm holding hands with Eren Jäeger, what the fuck is wrong with me._ )

"Date-like enough for your standarts?" he voiced, trying to sound cocky and failing miserably. Eren nodded slightly and tightened the hold just a bit, and suddenly Jean didn't care anymore. "Fine" he breathed, coming to a halt, what forced Eren to do the same. His free hand found his face, and a moment after they were kissing in the middle of the street.

There was no romantic watching of sunset or anything, and if it weren't for how often they stopped to make out, they could've been confused with two good friends that couldn't quite get along that well (they even had a really tense moment, in which Eren suddenly asked him if he wasn't going to visit his 'friend' Sylvain too, like his mother had asked him too, and Jean had answered so curtly that Eren and him had been fighting for some good fifteen minutes at least). Also, Jean had finally decided to leave Eren waiting outside when reaching his childhood house (that had provoked another fight too) and face his mother all by himself, a confrontation from which he had lost out, as expected.

In sum, it hadn't been a great day, and it would probably had a place of honor in the list of the shittiest dates of the history of dating, but when they found themselves in front of the gates of the Legion quarters again, Eren grinned at him like they'd just shared a secret and let his hand slip away from his, and Jean realised that, even if it wasn't perfect for anyone else, it was perfect for them. Fuck life for putting him in the same bag as Eren Jäeger (but bless her for giving him the opportunity of meeting him too).

That night, while they ate dinner, Marco asked him if he had been talking with his mother and Jean cracked a smile like an idiot.

"Oh, I guess not, then" his friend added, raising a brow, but Jean shook his head and wiped the dumb grin out of his face.

"No, I did. I went to see her. That's what Eren... Well, Eren accompanied me."

"So how did it go?" was Marco's next question, clearly trying to determinate if Jean's stupid happiness was because of the visit or because of Eren.

"You wouldn't want to know" he still said, shrugging carelessly. "Just telling you it involved a lot of yelling in french and 'how in the name of Wall Maria you joined the fucking Survey Corps'."

"Why did you anyway?" Sasha butted in, and only then Jean noticed half of the table had been eagerly following the conversation. The damn idiots really didn't know how to hold their curiosity back, did they? "You were going headlong to the Military Police."

Jean thought about that for a moment, feeling much more gazes fixed on him that he was comfortable with, but there was actually just one real response (even if it had took him a while to admit it to himself) and he wasn't one to hide the truth. "I figured they could use some help around here, seeing how clueless everybody seems to be" he said nonchalantly. "Also, I knew you'd all get killed in minute one, without even getting the chance to fight the Titans, if I weren't here to put an end to your bullshit."

For some reason, that left everybody speechless. Sasha threw herself on his lap without any more warning than a loud "Awww", and Jean was too busy freaking out to shove her off. Marco was fucking _sniffing_ , Eren looked like he wanted to cry (well, that wasn't actually anything new), and the rest of the squad showed similar responses (Mikasa too; not that it mattered). It was very disturbing, and Connie nailed it by yelling on the top of his lungs an over-excited "You did it for us!", for which Jean threw him a piece of bread right at his dumb face.  


Jean only started to think it had been a good idea to answer truthfully hours later, in late night, when he was immersed in that fragile state between dream and reality and Eren fucked it up by pouncing on him and hugging him tightly. He would've kicked him off the bed any day, but really, he was too tired for that shit and Eren was curling all around him and... oh well ( _screw it all_ ).

It ended up being a turning point for them.

They somehow began sleeping in the same bed, Eren sneaking in Jean's when he thought nobody would notice (but they all did, because he was loud as hell, but somehow nobody ever dared to comment). Jean usually smacked him on the head for waking him up, and sometimes they even ended up bickering at 4 AM because Eren suddenly decided it was a great idea to slip next to him in the middle of the night (probably because of nightmares) and Jean was pretending to care (although he did care he had been waken up, taking in account how difficult it was for him to catch his sleep).

But from then on, Jean, who was used to be an early bird, found himself basking in Eren's warmth for as long as possible, their limbs often tangled in the weirdest ways and granting him the perfect excuse for not moving anything at all, comfort seeping into his very core and providing him with a feeling he didn't dare to put name to (although some quiet nights, while he observed Eren's calm face and followed his steady breathing through the waves reverberating in his own body, a bold word was given shape in his mind; he couldn't quite catch which one it was, but it sounded suspiciously like _home_ ).

 _It comes back to you,_  
_it comes back to you._  
_Looking back into the past_  
_and I can see it through._

**Author's Note:**

> Some of you might be disappointed on how I handled Jean's background, since he's probably the only character in Attack on Titan that had a normal/happy childhood and life before the Legion (or so has been implied: we don't really know much about his past).  
> I understand how me twisting it could've bothered some, but hear me out: I've tried to be careful not to turn Jean's past into a ball of angst, but from my point of view the truth is that, no matter how normal of a life you've had, it doesn't exist such a thing as a 'perfect' life.
> 
> What I intended to do was to give more deepness to Jean's past life, and for that I needed to add some inevitable flaws every family has. I chose his relationship with his mother for that because it made enough sense for me, since it was something that would've affected him enough to be relevant but not enough to twist his personality (only to shape it a bit, maybe; if you think about how he is, I believe it fits).  
> If you read between lines, you may be able to see how Jean still cares about his mother and loves her, and how she seems to love him too (the letter is crude, but still reflects some badly handled worry, I think).
> 
> Said this, I just want to make clear I don't approve any kind of family pressure, not at all. I've lived it myself and yes, it's not anything to joke about or dismiss so easily as Jean has; the thing is, you end up getting so used to it that you think it's a normal thing to do and that it doesn't matter, but it does. So kiddos, I'm with Eren on this one.


End file.
